Obedience is anti-meaning

What a relief to dismiss death as meaningless and move on! Belvy came through her surgery just fine. No mass in her abdomen...

My plan was to think about the meaning of authority, and then I heard Tina Fey discussing her book Bossypants on the radio and it seemed a funnier way to think about it.

Why do I have such a wide range of emotions when my kids don’t obey me? Sometimes, I think it is funny: I love that they challenge me. Sometimes, I find it absolutely enraging in a way that I am barely in control of.

How have I felt about authority in my own life? Mostly I have rejected it. But when it does assert itself even in small ways I tend to have a panicked reaction. I feel unduly threatened. When I get pulled over by the police for speeding I have a physical reaction, my legs and butt tingle. Much like a reaction to almost falling or dropping something breakable. Out of control. A different reaction than to danger. When I almost stepped on a rattlesnake the other day, the reaction was in the top half not the bottom half--in my mouth really.

I started Juice in no small part because I didn’t like having a boss. What I found of course is that I didn’t escape much by being my own boss. And that I had to come to grips with being the boss, which I was ambivalent about. I didn’t like working for the man so I became the man. Frying pan to fire. I escaped both by taking time off to write. But then I found I missed the external challenge and validation.

One novel I’d like to write someday is “the boss.” It means something to manage other people, but generally the opposite of what one expects. A big part of what it means to be a manager is that you are the screen upon which everyone plays out their feelings about authority. Unresolved parental issues, unresolved anger at a previous boss or teacher...Another thing it means is that people watch what you do more closely and disagree more vehemently but tell you less often. You are more, not less, likely to be hated and mocked. You are also less likely to know it. And so on...

But the real question I have is this: do I want Battle and Margaret to feel they have to obey me? A radical question as it’s just assumed that one of your jobs as a parent is to get your kids to obey you. And it’s equally true that kids are programmed not to obey. They test the boundaries. They want to see for themselves what will happen if...That is how they learn.

It feels a little bit like as parents we set ourselves up in opposition to the way that kids learn. That feels like the beginning of repressing who they really are, rather than encouraging it. And the beginning of the feeling of panic I have when a cop pulls me over.

Having said that, I don’t want Battle and Margaret to bite each other. When they do, they get a time out and told no biting, biting hurts. It’s not a don’t bite because I told you so. But there is a punishment imposed by Andy, Lalani or me. Not sure how to get around this.

On the other hand, as I was leaving today, Battle was crying for my iPhone. I was inclined just to give it to him as I didn’t really need it today. Lalani said, no, don’t because then he is setting the agenda, not you. I don’t actually have a problem with him setting the agenda. In fact, I want him to set the agenda as much as possible. Sometimes, we do what he wants. Sometimes what I want. That doesn’t mean I will cave every time he cries or spoil him rotten. But nor do I feel I have to set the agenda all the time. Indeed, one of the great joys of parenting is following the interests of Battle and Margaret. Sitting and watching Margaret watch a stream, fascinated by throwing leaves in the water and watch them zoom away. Fascinated by the sound of it. By the splash of rocks. She could have sat there all day. And I was inclined to let her. There are times when the kids have to do what I want when I want them to do it. But the fewer of those times there are the better. Why not leave my iPhone with Battle? I don’t think consistency means we always do what I want to do.

Another contest of wills this morning was over the corner things we put on their beds so they don’t gouge an eye out. They don’t really stick so well and Margaret wants to pull them off. I told her no. She got a big grin and a twinkle in her eye and pulled one off anyway. I laughed and hugged her and explained that they are there for a reason, that she needs to leave them on. Yesterday, though, I got mad and said, “You must mind Mommy.”

Several options with these ineffective corner covers: I could just take them away. Not a huge hazard--corner not that sharp. Or I could keep saying leave them there, they are there for a reason. Or I could say, you must mind.

I think the “you must mind” is out. Similarly, Lalani said to them, don’t say no to your mother. But, I want them to feel free to say no. I want dialogue, not obedience. I want to earn their respect, not demand deference.

What is the meaning of obedience, exactly? A quick scan in the OED says it’s about submission. The definition of submission? “To place oneself under the control of a person in authority or power; to become subject, surrender oneself, or yield to a person or his rule, etc.” I do not want Battle and Margaret to surrender themselves. I want them to stand up.

I want them to learn that they can’t get their way all the time, and how to work out a compromise that does not fill them with a panic that their very essence is at stake. I want them to be able to get a speeding ticket without feeling they are about to be thrown into Lubyanka prison. I want them to be able to have a boss without feeling they are losing their soul.

And there are times when I just want them to get in the f-g car seat...When I have no more time or energy for the conversation. I think that is where the impulse to make children obey comes from--sheer exhaustion.

But bottom line is this: if the meaning of life is self-expression, is, to paraphrase Hess, living in accord with the promptings which come from one’s true self, obedience and submission are anti-meaning.